My life was changed.

My life was changed the day I found out my nephew had cancer. Somehow, no matter how much the doctors kept telling us that they didn't think that's what it was, I knew. I don't know if God placed it on my heart or what, but I just had that feeling. And when it was confirmed, it was the biggest heart-wrenching feeling I have ever experienced. This news was worse than hearing any other bad news I had received in my lifetime. 

I don't have a "normal" aunt/nephew relationship with Elijah. I lived with him for about half his life, and as my sister went through some things, I was a "mom figure" to him. I helped raise him, feed him, clothe him, etc. pretty much anything a guardian would do, I've done. Until I had my own child, he was my "child". So I am much closer to him than the average aunt and nephew are. 

Maybe that's why it hit me as hard as it did. Or maybe it's just because no child deserves to hear the words "you have cancer." I mean can you imagine? I had a great childhood and never had to worry about anything really, and especially not wondering if I would die or not. 

Cancer sucks. Big time. But I am so thankful that Elijah is willing to fight. He knows he can beat cancer. And I'm so thankful he has that in his mind instead of thinking he is just automatically going to die. 

I'm thankful for chemo today. I pray that it does the job it's meant to do and kills that nastiness in his belly. We appreciate all the prayers & support coming from family, friends, and even strangers. It couldn't mean more to us. 

I question God.

I know a lot of people don't believe in God. Or maybe they believe in Him, but don't quite get the salvation plan that has been so graciously given to us. But I'm not here to preach to anyone or try and win them over to Christ. Maybe I should, but that's not what I'm aiming for with this post. 

Lately I have questioned God. A lot. I'd say that ever since I had a friend lose her child, I have not understood God. Why He lets these things happen...why He doesn't stop them. Why He lets nice people experience such heart ache. After my nephew has started to go through what he's been going through, the questions keep coming. I'm angry with God. I question Him daily. I yell at Him and express to Him what is truly in my heart. BUT with all of that being said...

I trust God. My God is an almighty God. And He knows what He's doing. I may not understand, but that's okay. I may not feel like any reason is justifiable but it's not my place to call that judgement. I'm not God. And because of that, I will never understand His reasoning. But that brings me peace in a way...if I could understand God fully, why would I need Him? I'm glad I don't understand Him in everything, because it lets me know that I'm running on faith and faith alone. And what a beautiful relationship that is. How beautiful to love someone you have never seen, never heard, or never touched...but in every sense, I have felt Him. He's there. Everywhere. All the time. He never leaves me. And in my toughest times, He just covers me in His love, grace, and compassion. 

I've been tested for the past couple years. And although I have sinned and fallen short, I have never felt alone. And that's because I KNOW without a doubt God is with me. Even when I'm angry at Him and just want Him to go away...He never does. He is a voice in my head, in my heart...an ever present love around me. And I'm so thankful for that. 

I pray that He continues to teach me through these tough months and years. That He continues to remind me daily that I can trust him with anything & everything even when I do not understand anything He is doing or anything He lets happen. He has made us a promise. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.." -Romans 8:28

That means in all things, good and bad. And I have to hang on to that promise no matter what. 

Thank God for giving me such a pure love and for giving me the salvation I need that will lead me to Heaven when my days on this earth are over. 

My Elijah

Most of you know that Elijah is pretty sick. We don't know exactly what it is yet, so please keep praying. 

BUT to keep things a little more positive, I'm going to list the things I love about him. Because he WILL get better. And I'm confident in that. 

Elijah is hilarious. Seriously so funny. 

Elijah loves Legos and builds them like a pro. 

Elijah is really good at coloring, drawing, etc. 

He says he doesn't want to do things or didn't have fun when he really does. So if you say "are you excited?" And he says no...he usually means yes lol

He's really a sweetheart. Even when he's being a booger. 

He's really good at video games. Anything he tries, he ends up mastering. 

He is really smart...REALLY smart. 

When he's feeling well, he's so hyper! And I love it. 

He cracks the funniest jokes. 

He knows a lot about the Bible and God. 

And although there are a ton more things I love about him...here is my favorite:

He's the best big cousin to Stassi. Stassi loves him. He sings to her, kisses her, plays with her. He's her favorite. Her eyes are glued to him almost always when he's around. And he's such a good helper with her. I can't wait for him to get better so they can play all the time together. 

I love you Elijah Salvador Medina. You are such a gift to this world and to this family. The world would not be the same without you, and I don't intend on finding out what the world would be like without you. So continue to fight your little booty off and kick this infection's butt. 

My little baby is 6 months?!

I find it completely crazy that my baby is already 6 months old. I remember giving birth to her like it was yesterday. I remember my contractions and breathing through them like a champ. I remember getting my epidural that allowed me to give birth to her so easily. And seeing her for the first time...I just broke down in tears. It seems like all of that was literally yesterday. 

My sweet babe officially turned 6 months on January 24th. So I figured I would do a little recap as to what she's like and what she is doing at 6 months. 

Stassi:

-talks...a lot. 

-she laughs and smiles at almost everything. 

-she gets real cranky when she's tired, but will fight sleep. 

-she doesn't nap very much and when she does, it's not for very long. 

-she's a daddy's girl but is slowly getting closer to mommy. 

-she says "dada" a lot. 

-she drinks formula as well as eats baby food. So far she likes everything except for green beans. 

-when she cries, she CRIES. 

-she's very opinionated and will let you know when she does not want to do something. 

-she crawls all over the place. 

-she is trying so hard to stand. 

-if she can bare a little bit of weight on your hands she will stand & walk. 

-she has her two bottom teeth and her dr says she's about to grow her two top teeth in. 

-she always smiles when I tell her she's a sister. 

-she loves her cousin Elijah. 

-she loves playing with her puppies.

-she gets so excited when grandpa says "you wanna give grandpa kisses?!"

-she is full of joy. 

-she is very adventurous and mischievous and doesn't mind getting into things at all. 

-she used to sleep through the night, but now wakes up once a night for a bottle. 

-she outgrew her bassinet.

-she's 17 pounds and 26 inches tall.

-she has a large head (big brains daddy says)

Stassi is so cool. She's such a fun little spirited girl full of life and spunk. I couldn't imagine life without her. Thank God for little girls!

What I never knew about being a mom.

I read an article yesterday written by a mom who listed all the things she was warned about when she became pregnant. But the real point of the article was the things she listed about her daughter that people should have warned her about but didn't. I thought it was so neat and I am not at all trying to take credit for what she wrote, but I figured that I would write my own personal feelings on the same subject. 

When I became pregnant I wasn't even married to Stassi's daddy yet. Of course, sex involves the risk of becoming pregnant but I was somewhat naive in the thinking that I couldn't get pregnant. But that's only because I hadn't been able to get pregnant before. So here I was feeling sick and I just knew in the back of my mind I was pregnant. I was in denial, but I took a test or should I say three tests, which one by one, all came out positive. Just imagine yonatan and I standing in his bathroom...waiting for the test to come out with a result. I of course knew it would be negative (which really, I didn't) and there it was...two little pink lines, although one was very faint and I had discovered I was a mom. Instantly I was scared. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell people, let alone my parents? I was terrified. 

Shortly after the panic, I began to feel happiness. I, the girl who could not get pregnant was a mom! Finally. As months passed, I heard all kinds of warning about motherhood. For women who are moms, they sure do make it seem like a curse more than a blessing. I was warned about how tired I would be. How I would never get a moment to myself. How my husbands and my relationship would suffer. How getting her to sleep through the night would be impossible. How I would be a permanent poop, throw up, and booger catcher and holder. How my child will be terrible when she turns two. And the list just went on and on and on. Now I am not saying any of these warnings were lies, because most of them are pretty spot on. 

But there are so many things these women missed out on warning me. So many things I am surprised no one spoke of. 

What they should have told me was this:

Your heart is going to fill up with immediate unconditional love the moment you lay eyes on your daughter. It's like a rush of wind that hits your heart and tears will just come pouring out with no control. The "love at first sight" you just didn't believe in...well now you were proved wrong because it does exist. When you see your husband hold her and feed her for the first time, you will love him more than you ever thought was possible. Hearing her cry and whine, although sometimes annoying (hey I'm not going to lie), makes you jump up to do whatever you need to do in order to make her feel better so she can stop. Getting up in the middle of the night is tiring, it really is, but it's also so rewarding fulfilling the needs that your daughter has. Changing diapers, clothes, and making bottles really isn't a chore; instead it's going to make you happy to be able to make her feel better. Giving her baths isn't boring, it's actually so neat to see how she reacts to the water and the soap, which essentially just calms her down. You will get time for yourself, but it's not the same when she isn't around. Instead you will miss her and wonder how she's doing or what she's doing (so thank God for her dad who will send as many updates as he can while you are away). You will NOT enjoy going back to work, no matter how great of a babysitter you have. You will want to be home with your baby girl all day every day, because let's face it...no one is as good as mommy. You will get time alone with daddy, but even when you do, you both miss her so much that you have to go and visit her or you'll be texting grandma the whole time asking how she is doing. 

Having a baby was not the end of my world. It was the end of my previous self...an end to the person I was before. I do not even remember the girl I was before. I have no desire to live in memories of my past. Because my present and future are so much brighter. I serve a purpose. I'm a mom. And that's essential to my daughter. She needs me. And she needs me to be the best "me" I can be. 

So girls...those who are mommies for the first time, forget all of the "bad" warnings you receive. And look forward to all the great things you'll experience. You're a mom now. And I promise, that is the most rewarding "thing" you'll ever be. No amount of pain during labor and no amount of crying your baby does after, will ever be able to take away the pure joy   motherhood will bring you.  

Our crazy lives.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. Life has been pretty busy, and it seems like we are always on the go. 

I guess I will start off with...WE ARE PREGGERS WITH BABY NUMBERO DOS! We couldn't be more thrilled...as you can tell here. 

Stassi is obviously a little young to really understand but I think she knows something's going to be coming ;) we are hoping for another little baby girl. But obviously either way we will be happy! 

Stassi is 5 months now...going on 6 this month. It's crazy how much time has flown by. She has two teeth. She is still eating formula but also baby food! So far she has had peaches. She has now celebrated her first Halloween, first thanksgiving, and first Christmas. She didn't quite understand what was going on with the presents but has loved them all lol she is such a sweet baby. So well behaved. She does have a little attitude though. She is almost crawling. She gets up on her hands and knees and then just rocks back and forth haha but she sure can scoot. She does follow her crawling Minnie around though so Minnie is teaching her a thing or two...of course that's when Stassi isn't busy biting her nose or ears ;)

Speaking of Minnie, Stassi had her first trip to Disney. Although very exciting, the trip was kind of a bust. Stassi caught a cold and ended up with an ear infection so we stayed in the hotel the second day. We felt horrible for her. So she has officially had her first E.R. Trip and everything which she hated. They had to take a rectal temperature and look in her ears, both which made her scream. Ugh, my poor baby!!

Other than that, our little Saavedra family has just been hanging out...doing our own thing. Life is so good. I really can't complain❤️

Photo update!

I always try to take pictures so I can have memories to hang on to. So here is our lives in a photo update:

Stassi likes watching tv with daddy even when he is playing his video games

Stassi sits in her boppy at our house, grandmas house, and her babysitters house :)

Grandpa Rick loves Stassi so much!!

We took the pups to the dog park not too long ago and they were so rude to the other dogs and acted like they were too good for them haha

We walked in honor of Baby jax and Jax's mommy held Stassi :)

Grandpa David passed away and it was very hard on our family. 

Lucy loves her baby Stassi. 

Our family of three 

One of my favorite outfits that Stassi has

See how she fell asleep on daddy's knee? Sometimes that's the ONLY way she will fall asleep. 

We lit candles for baby Jax and baby Jones. And it was actually a really emotional day/night for me just thinking about my friends who had lost so much. 

We bought our first car as a family :) and it was extra special because it was my grandpas. 

We went to a marriage seminar one weekend. It was called "laugh your way to a better marriage." It was amazing 

Stassi trying to get the hang of holding her own bottle 

Grandma Leigh with Stassi at work!

I love good quality time with her beautiful self!

We bought a new keurig and kinda made a little coffee station. We have used it every day. We love it. 

Grandma Margie loves Stassi to pieces. 

Stella helps with everything when it comes to Stassi. She even helps me put her in her car seat. Such a good best friend ;)

Lately all Stassi wants to do is stand. Of course she needs a little bit of help but this girl is so good at bearing weight down on her feet. 

Stassis first pumpkin patch and our first pumpkin patch as a family!

I always make him take pictures with me haha

A coworker bought Stassi this dress. And this morning daddy bathed her for the first time by himself and then picked out her outfit. She of course looked ADORBS!!

Stassi was Minnie Mouse for Halloween! 

Morning snuggles are my fave

I had to get glasses. What a nerd lol

Daddy's birthday. Don't mind my freaky face. I was trying to get little stinker to smile. 

I want to make a cactus garden for my desk! 

I also may or may not want to dye my hair this color

I was letting my husband know we got our packages in the mail. What were they? Head lights and the toy story trilogy pack!

When my house is clean it's such a good feeling

Stassi's doctor appointment where she got her second set of shots

Breakfast with her grandma Feliciana, grandpa Juan, and auntie Evelyn 

My absolute best friend and lover

Those shoes are to die!

Our new bed set for our bed came in. And it was supposed to look like this. Sadly it's not as quite gray as it looks in this pic but whatever well work with it. 

Decided Stassi will be getting some uggs. Best part is, this style is called "Erin" I'm pretty sure it was meant to be. 

I made some fajitas for the first time & they were BOMB

I got a presidents award at work which is a HUGE deal and got a big fat bonus with it. So that was nice :)

I'm gonna do something like this on the wall behind my couch. 

Well that's all for now! 

xo - erin