I don't want to be.

I'm HUGE on quotes. I love reading them. I post them pretty much daily. And I spend a lot of time thinking about them. I don't just read them and repin them or post them; I actually ponder (yes, ponder) and try to apply them to my life the best I can. 

Lately I have been seeing quotes such as these: 

And although at first glance I think, alright...yes, that's true, I rethink it. And what does my mind come up with?

Why is it my job to make sure that my life is inspiring to others? Why is it my job to make sure my behavior says I'm a good person?

I'm not saying this out of spite or coming from a mean, hateful place, but truly why is this my job?

I don't want to be inspiring. 

I don't want to make sure my behavior proves to everyone that I am a good person. 

I don't want to...

I just want to be me.

Because if you ask me, there is no way I can make sure my life is inspiring. There are too many different types of people in this world to make sure my life is inspiring to everyone. The only one I want to inspire is myself. Maybe my nephew and niece also, but mostly, just myself. 

I also don't believe it is even feasible to have your actions and your behavior prove what a good person you are. I think I am a good person, a GREAT person if you will.  But sometimes my behavior completely contradicts that. Sometimes I just don't act like such a good person because why? ...I am human. 

And maybe I am taking these quotes that are meant to make us all feel good way too literally, but I can't help but really ponder on what exactly people are trying to convey. 

But I just want to be me. I want to be able to make mistakes without being judged. I want to be able to say things that are on my mind without wondering how someone will take it or who I am going to offend. I want to be able to run wildly and free amongst my own thoughts and mind instead of being influenced by everyone else's opinions. I want the freedom to choose what I choose without hearing all of the ways it is wrong. I want my life to be mine because that's what it is; my life. I want to be able to live care free amongst my daily routine because what is there really to worry about?! 

I don't want to be what everyone else wants me to be or think the way everyone else wants me to think or feel the way everyone else wants me to feel. 

I just want to be me. 

Finding myself.

I've struggled a long time with finding myself. I've asked myself questions such as "Who are you?" "What makes you that way?" "Why do you feel this way?" And the list goes on and on. 

I used to think that feeling sad, angry, or confused was a bad thing. Sure, they aren't the best feelings in the world, but I realized they are okay feelings to have. And why? Because I'm human. I'm not going to be a happy person 24/7. 

Something I feel very strongly about is that the person you are with should NEVER want to change you. Sure, compromising is a part of any relationship because one person is not always right but you should remain true to yourself. Your relationship should never define you. You should not ONLY be (insert name here)'s happiness but you should also be your own happiness. I used to hear all the time that you cannot love someone until you love yourself and you cannot be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself and it didn't become clear to me until recently. We all have insecurities and I know this, but if you are not happy with yourself from within, how can you be truly happy with anyone else? It's okay to put yourself first and make yourself priority over others. That's actually how it's supposed to work (to a certain extent of course)

But aside from all of that, what makes you, you? And this is a question I have struggled with for quite some time. Losing myself was the strangest feeling in the world to me. Seeing things I used to love doing or seeing people I used to love seeing or feeling the way I used to love feeling...and it just all seemed so distant from me. It literally felt like I was watching what my life should have been and I had some type of "out of body" experience. 

So what am I? Who am I? What do I represent? What am I here for? What is it that I like doing? All these questions seem to be slowly coming into my life as answers instead of questions. Finding myself has been the most amazing experience I've had in my life. 

Things I love and things that describe me? Well...

GOD. Photography. Singing. Guitar. Family. Friends. Laughter. Fun. Happiness. Joy. Excitement. Adventure. Experimenting. 

I was missing at least a part of every single one of those if not all of it from my life. I had lost myself so far into something else that I literally lost touch with all of these things. 

But the best part? The best part is experiencing all of this in a new light. Seeing things through new eyes. Something that feels so surreal and so amazing. I thank God for His patience with me. I thank God for knowing me inside and out - knowing every flaw, yet still loving me unconditionally and taking His time with me. Although I have consequences, I am restored. 

Finding myself...it wasn't easy but it was something I will never forget. Another lesson learned and I wouldn't want it any other way. I guess in a way you could say that I am finally home. Home isn't always a literal since. Home is with the people who love you and support you and are there for you. Home for me is with God, my family, my best friend, and those who love me and have my best interest at heart. 

I am so thankful for this life I have been given. I am so happy in the most simple ways. Happy Tuesday everyone :) 

Mixed emotions.

Ever have a period of time in your life when all you feel is confusion? Where all your emotions just seem to mix together? Where periods of time during your day you're wondering if you really ARE bipolar like you've always been told you are? Yeah...me too. And it's not the best feeling, but I guess there could be worse feelings too. 

It's a mix between happy and sad, content and restless, peaceful and angry, and complete confusion between "my life is going great" and "what the hell am I doing with my life?" Don't get me wrong...I think this is a natural feeling and maybe mines intensified because I'm experiencing my "time of the month" (TMI, I know) but damn...sometimes I wish I could just run from this feeling and pretend all is well in Erin's world. 

But truth be told, feeling this is probably the best thing for me. Being still and facing all the problems and chaos in my life head on is what's best for me. Because it's in that time where I am able to truly reflect on God and what He wants for my life. What His plans are for me. Where He wants me to be and wants me to go. 

My life is a little crazy and I have made some choices that are questionable to who I am and what my character represents, but the beauty in that is that I am restored...always. Not am I only restored but I am okay with being a mess. Please tell me what 24 year old woman has the perfect life, does everything perfect, and never has to worry about anything. I'm okay with being who I am doing what I do, mistakes included. Because I get to learn from them. And in the end, who turns out to be a better person?

I do. 

So it's in these moments of chaos, confusion, and just mixed emotions about whatever is going on in my life that I really get to find out who I am. Questions of who I am and how I react to things are always answered in these unsure moments of my life. But even in these unsure moments, I am so happy I can truly say that I am happy. 

& really, what more can I ask for?