I don't want to be.

I'm HUGE on quotes. I love reading them. I post them pretty much daily. And I spend a lot of time thinking about them. I don't just read them and repin them or post them; I actually ponder (yes, ponder) and try to apply them to my life the best I can. 

Lately I have been seeing quotes such as these: 

And although at first glance I think, alright...yes, that's true, I rethink it. And what does my mind come up with?

Why is it my job to make sure that my life is inspiring to others? Why is it my job to make sure my behavior says I'm a good person?

I'm not saying this out of spite or coming from a mean, hateful place, but truly why is this my job?

I don't want to be inspiring. 

I don't want to make sure my behavior proves to everyone that I am a good person. 

I don't want to...

I just want to be me.

Because if you ask me, there is no way I can make sure my life is inspiring. There are too many different types of people in this world to make sure my life is inspiring to everyone. The only one I want to inspire is myself. Maybe my nephew and niece also, but mostly, just myself. 

I also don't believe it is even feasible to have your actions and your behavior prove what a good person you are. I think I am a good person, a GREAT person if you will.  But sometimes my behavior completely contradicts that. Sometimes I just don't act like such a good person because why? ...I am human. 

And maybe I am taking these quotes that are meant to make us all feel good way too literally, but I can't help but really ponder on what exactly people are trying to convey. 

But I just want to be me. I want to be able to make mistakes without being judged. I want to be able to say things that are on my mind without wondering how someone will take it or who I am going to offend. I want to be able to run wildly and free amongst my own thoughts and mind instead of being influenced by everyone else's opinions. I want the freedom to choose what I choose without hearing all of the ways it is wrong. I want my life to be mine because that's what it is; my life. I want to be able to live care free amongst my daily routine because what is there really to worry about?! 

I don't want to be what everyone else wants me to be or think the way everyone else wants me to think or feel the way everyone else wants me to feel. 

I just want to be me. 

Finding myself.

I've struggled a long time with finding myself. I've asked myself questions such as "Who are you?" "What makes you that way?" "Why do you feel this way?" And the list goes on and on. 

I used to think that feeling sad, angry, or confused was a bad thing. Sure, they aren't the best feelings in the world, but I realized they are okay feelings to have. And why? Because I'm human. I'm not going to be a happy person 24/7. 

Something I feel very strongly about is that the person you are with should NEVER want to change you. Sure, compromising is a part of any relationship because one person is not always right but you should remain true to yourself. Your relationship should never define you. You should not ONLY be (insert name here)'s happiness but you should also be your own happiness. I used to hear all the time that you cannot love someone until you love yourself and you cannot be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself and it didn't become clear to me until recently. We all have insecurities and I know this, but if you are not happy with yourself from within, how can you be truly happy with anyone else? It's okay to put yourself first and make yourself priority over others. That's actually how it's supposed to work (to a certain extent of course)

But aside from all of that, what makes you, you? And this is a question I have struggled with for quite some time. Losing myself was the strangest feeling in the world to me. Seeing things I used to love doing or seeing people I used to love seeing or feeling the way I used to love feeling...and it just all seemed so distant from me. It literally felt like I was watching what my life should have been and I had some type of "out of body" experience. 

So what am I? Who am I? What do I represent? What am I here for? What is it that I like doing? All these questions seem to be slowly coming into my life as answers instead of questions. Finding myself has been the most amazing experience I've had in my life. 

Things I love and things that describe me? Well...

GOD. Photography. Singing. Guitar. Family. Friends. Laughter. Fun. Happiness. Joy. Excitement. Adventure. Experimenting. 

I was missing at least a part of every single one of those if not all of it from my life. I had lost myself so far into something else that I literally lost touch with all of these things. 

But the best part? The best part is experiencing all of this in a new light. Seeing things through new eyes. Something that feels so surreal and so amazing. I thank God for His patience with me. I thank God for knowing me inside and out - knowing every flaw, yet still loving me unconditionally and taking His time with me. Although I have consequences, I am restored. 

Finding myself...it wasn't easy but it was something I will never forget. Another lesson learned and I wouldn't want it any other way. I guess in a way you could say that I am finally home. Home isn't always a literal since. Home is with the people who love you and support you and are there for you. Home for me is with God, my family, my best friend, and those who love me and have my best interest at heart. 

I am so thankful for this life I have been given. I am so happy in the most simple ways. Happy Tuesday everyone :) 

Mixed emotions.

Ever have a period of time in your life when all you feel is confusion? Where all your emotions just seem to mix together? Where periods of time during your day you're wondering if you really ARE bipolar like you've always been told you are? Yeah...me too. And it's not the best feeling, but I guess there could be worse feelings too. 

It's a mix between happy and sad, content and restless, peaceful and angry, and complete confusion between "my life is going great" and "what the hell am I doing with my life?" Don't get me wrong...I think this is a natural feeling and maybe mines intensified because I'm experiencing my "time of the month" (TMI, I know) but damn...sometimes I wish I could just run from this feeling and pretend all is well in Erin's world. 

But truth be told, feeling this is probably the best thing for me. Being still and facing all the problems and chaos in my life head on is what's best for me. Because it's in that time where I am able to truly reflect on God and what He wants for my life. What His plans are for me. Where He wants me to be and wants me to go. 

My life is a little crazy and I have made some choices that are questionable to who I am and what my character represents, but the beauty in that is that I am restored...always. Not am I only restored but I am okay with being a mess. Please tell me what 24 year old woman has the perfect life, does everything perfect, and never has to worry about anything. I'm okay with being who I am doing what I do, mistakes included. Because I get to learn from them. And in the end, who turns out to be a better person?

I do. 

So it's in these moments of chaos, confusion, and just mixed emotions about whatever is going on in my life that I really get to find out who I am. Questions of who I am and how I react to things are always answered in these unsure moments of my life. But even in these unsure moments, I am so happy I can truly say that I am happy. 

& really, what more can I ask for?

Sassy pants.

A lot of people have been asking me or asking others about me so here we go:

I'm good. I really am GOOD. I know that may be hard for a lot of people to believe but I really am happy. I'm happy with myself and where I am at in life. Things are unexpected and things happen but I'm doing good. 

I promise, if I say I am fine, I really am fine. I'm not trying to trick anyone over here, just trying to live a normal life without talking about my misfortunes alone the way. I mean I live my life so I am pretty sure I know things that even you may think I don't know. 

It's funny to hear that people say I'm not allowed to get a divorce or that people say it's so sad that I was only married a year and a half. Well, keep talking. Your opinions actually don't matter in this situation. I'm good with my decision. I've made good with my mistakes and none of your opinions, hate, and snarky remarks are going to change that. I will not be ashamed to step into church anymore. I will not be ashamed to face the people who are so quick to judge. That says more about them than me. 

And no, I will not explain what happened or why it happened because I simply don't have to. Not only do I not have to but half of the things that have occurred, I can't even explain myself. 

So with that being said, I guess I put my sassy pants on today because I am just tired of the remarks, looks, and judgmental ways of others who are no where near perfect themselves. 

I won't judge you if you don't judge me, deal? ;) 

Life

Life is funny isn't it? According to the Bible we are all here for one purpose and one reason only...God. But as we are here on Earth, we go through a ton of things that make up our life. 

We all seem to find love once or twice. We all seem to experience someone's death, to see babies born, to go to school, to work, and enjoy our friends and family. Life has a ton of bright moments, and a lot of times life has some of the darkest moments we could ever imagine...but that's what it is; life. 

I don't think a lot of us really ever live to our fullest potential. To live to my fullest potential would not be locking myself into one place and experiencing the same thing day after day. I see living as traveling the world, meeting tons of new people, learning different languages, and trying different types of food. Just living it up. 

Unfortunately, life really isn't all that we could ever imagine because we have to make a living for ourselves and our families in order to survive. Now while we all know this, we all seem to be surprised when life throws curve balls at us. I definitely am. I look at my life sometimes and wonder how I got here and what did I do wrong? While the list can go on and on for that, I also like to think that no matter what mistakes I have made and no matter what I could have done differently, I am a better and stronger person because of it. I truly believe this gets me through my roughest days. 

Without all the chaos I have experienced in my life, self inflicted or not, I have absolutely been shaped and molded into a different and a better person because of it. I am constantly learning new ways to deal with things and learning how the world and how people work. It amazes me at how many lessons I have taken in just through trials alone. Something that makes me smile is knowing that even in my darkest moments and even when I want to shut everyone out, God never turns away from me. He is always right there watching over me. 

As most of you know, life has been more difficult for me lately than it has ever been really. I've been through a couple rough patches in my life before, but I never thought divorce would be one of them. Yep, you read it right...divorce (for those of you who didn't already know). And although I will never get into the details of it especially on my blog, it's a very hard period in time to go through. But I absolutely believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. And I believe that my life is better off. I know a lot of people have looked at my situation and judged until they couldn't judge anymore, and although I would LOVE to just tell everyone my side of the story I won't. Because what good does that do? The same result in the end is divorce. 

The toughest part in life is feeling like everyone is against you and feeling like nobody understands or cares. That everyone is just judging you and the mistakes that you have made. But I am starting to overcome that. If anyone wants to judge me and my situation without being in it, then it says a hell of a lot more about them than it does me. I can own up to my mistakes and I can live with them, especially with God's grace and forgiveness and I have stopped worrying how others think and feel about MY life. When it comes down to it, unless you're my family or my very best friend, MY life in no way affects you. Lets be honest...people are just nosey. And I'm not saying I'm not because I definitely like hearing my share of stories, but one thing this has taught me is to not judge. And I NEVER will. Judging someone isn't going to make anyone's situations better. And it's definitely not making you look good. 

I'm not really sure how we turned off onto this entire subject here on my blog today, but I guess it's just time that I let things go...let them be what they are going to be. One of my favorite lines to live by is "It is what it is." Because it's so true. There are certain things in life NO ONE can control. And believe me, this is hard for me...ask my family and my best friend, I am a control freak. I like to have control. But I am letting that go...I have to or this will eat me up in a heartbeat. 

I am choosing to live by the fact that I can't control some things, that I am an imperfect girl that God is still working on, and that I will make mistakes that will hurt me and others but I WILL LEARN FROM THEM and that's all I can really ask. I will be a better person because of the trials I go through, and that's extremely comforting.

Life is funny, isn't it?

Being me.

I like long walks on the beach at sunset. I like driving around for hours with absolutely no destination in mind. I look for the things in life that no one else sees. I'm extremely observant and aware of my surroundings. I love concerts. I get really excited about Starbucks and Mexican food. Girly TV shows are part of my outlet. I like apartments more than houses. I actually like to argue, and I'm good at it. I like coach purses, and it's the only thing I will spend that amount of money on. I like washing my car. I am a Ford truck kind of girl. I love that moment when two people make up after not talking for years. I love seeing people reunite. Long walks in the park are really relaxing to me. Facebook Pinterest and Instagram are an odd obsession for me. I love being with my friends. My family means more to me than anything. Being an aunt is something that absolutely completed my heart. I believe in God and church is important to me. I have a best friend who is absolutely my soul mate. I like receiving flowers, especially sunflowers. I don't like excuses. I absolutely hate being interrupted. I'm extremely sensitive and the worst thing you can do is lie to me. I love acting ridiculously silly. Singing is my passion, and photography is so special to me because I get to see things other people miss while looking through that lens. I am obsessed with photos. It takes a lot for me to be bitter. I want to be a mom more than anything else. I believe in love at first sight; I experienced it with my nephew. I love the smell of the rain. I love gloomy days where there is nothing better to do but watch tv. I will not judge your situation because I am not in it. I like knowing everything, but I keep people's secrets close to my heart. Disneyland is the best way to get to my heart. I love the way pandora always seems to know what to play for me. I love my Dodgers and hold them very close to my heart - the emotions I feel when watching them play probably sound ridiculous to the average person. I have a crazy amount of insecurities both emotionally and physically. I don't care to know both sides to every story; I'd rather stay out of the nonsense. I stress easily, and do not handle chaos well. But with that being said, I myself, am chaos. I try to be supportive in everything my family and friends do. I am extremely blunt and honest. I do however have a filter. I love having fun. The little dumb jokes crack me up, especially yo mama jokes. I can't rap worth crap, but I do it anyway. I find myself to feel so gangster at times and then I have to laugh at myself because I am completely white. I have a problem with being told what to do. I am very prideful and stubborn. My dad has always called me a chili pepper because I have a crazy Mexican temper. I don't get embarrassed easily. When I love someone, I love them with all that is in me. 

There are so many characteristics and things that I have about me that I wouldn't change for the world. I have learned that it is okay to be me no matter what people say or want. And that in a relationship you should never have to change yourself or sacrifice who you are for the ease of someone's mind. 

I'm simply Erin, and it's so nice to say that I'm finally happy with being just that. Being me. And after all my mistakes and failures, I believe in myself, the person that I am, and the decisions that I make. What a beautiful mess I'm in.

The past.

You know the term "regret nothing"...? I never quite believed that. And the reason behind that is because I always felt like I could have done something else...something better in order to change the way things played out in my life. I lived on a consistency of "what if's" as in "what if I had done this instead?" or "what if I had said this instead?" And I have to admit that it gets quite tiring always questioning your every move or backtracking the words you said. 

But there is a quote that a friend of mine sent me yesterday that I will share below that was quite inspiring in this subject. 

This spoke to my heart like crazy. With what I am going through in life right now (which I promise, eventually I will share) I can either run from this past or learn from it. And I am tired of running. Tired of questioning. 

So, as I sit there and pondered this quote I honestly made a decision for myself to learn from my past. I am no where near perfect. I have made plenty of mistakes and continue to make them daily because let's face it...I'm human and therefore imperfect. I have consciously made decisions that I knew would hurt and affect the people around me and even myself, yet I did it anyway. And although it would be very easy to keep punishing myself every day and regretting everything that I have done, I choose to not live in the past and to learn from what I have done. All I can do is learn. And I'm okay with that. Sure, it's difficult to replay the things you've said and done in your mind because it sure does affect your conscience, but I am okay with choosing to look at my past and accepting it. I have to accept it in order to move on...truly move on and LEARN from it. 

Life gets crazy sometimes. We make decisions that we may not always think through. But we can't beat ourselves up over it because once those decisions have been made and done, we can't take them back. We can't change the outcome. It simply is what it is. And all we can really do in this crazy life is learn from it and make your future as bright and beautiful as you can. 

Trust me, you'll be a better person because of it. We have a choice and I choose to continue to grow as a person. So I will live life and I will love it. Even the bad things because let's face it...if it weren't for what we go through, we wouldn't be who we are today.