I got married :)

As most of you know now, I got married on Friday to the one and only Yonatan Saavedra :) I am so so happy - words can't even express how I feel. It was much of a surprise to most people I know. Very few people knew it was coming and I know a few people's feelings were hurt because of not being invited BUT I promise only immediate family was invited. We are going to have something bigger later on where more people will be able to come.

I can't even begin to tell you how easy, fun, and joyful our day was. I spent time with my family before we got married and it was so relaxed and calm. I know that's because it wasn't a huge wedding but I also just had the biggest peace in my heart. After all, we weren't only officially joining ourselves together, we were blending our families together with our daughter in the middle and it couldn't have been better and sweeter.

I am so blessed to have the in laws that I have. I have always been accepted by them and never questioned by them, even though we weren't always in the best situation. His family has always had open arms to me and I couldn't be more grateful that stassi will have such an amazing family. And thank God that I get along with my mother in law - she is the sweetest :) and of course my parents just love Yonatan. My mom and him joke around all the time and my dad just loves his style haha Everything about the day between the families just made me happy.

It's so crazy how free and happy I feel inside. The man I married is definitely a keeper. All of the things I need and want in a man, he has. I know nobody is perfect but he is perfect for me and I am so thankful that God has blessed us the way that he has.

I love you Yonatan and am so proud to be your wife!! :)

My Sweet Baby Girl

Stassi Leighann,

I swear I think about you every minute of every day. Everything reminds me of you or makes me think of what things will be like when you are here. You have been kicking away in my tummy lately and there's no better feeling although I have to admit it feels kind of strange. I love everything about you already. Your daddy and I talk about you all the time and we pray for you every single day. We can't wait to hold you and see what you're going to look like and who you are going to act like. But one thing we are certain of is that you will have our Mexican temper. I am already pretty obsessed with you and I am sure when you finally make your presence in this world all I will be able to do is stare at you. I know you're going to be beautiful. You're already beautiful from every single ultrasound I have seen - you even have daddy's rather large head but like daddy said...it's because you're smart ;)

Baby girl, I cannot wait to meet you. To hold you. To love you. To rock you to sleep. To feed you. To change your diapers. To console you. To sing to you. To teach you. To play with you. To talk to you. To protect you. I am just ecstatic to meet you. God has given me the most amazing blessing by bringing you into my life. And you want to know what's so cool about it? He already knows every single thing about you. He knows how many hairs you will have on your head. He is knitting you together so perfectly in my womb right now. And He is giving me the best responsibility to take care of you once you get here. It's amazing.

I promise you daddy and I will always be here for you and will always love you and support you. We will never give up on you. We will always pray for you and keep your best interest in mind when it comes to all of our decisions. We will be a family. And not only will you know the love from us but you will know the love from all of your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I can't wait for you to arrive and experience what life has to offer you sweet girl. I am so thankful and grateful for the opportunity to raise you and be your mom.

I love you so much,
Mommy

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby...

Unless you are Erin Medina and Yonatan Saavedra and do it all types of backwards haha but I would not change my life for anything. Yep, you guessed it. I AM PREGGERS!!! Now for those of you who know me, you know I have wanted to be a mommy for a few years now but i was just as surprised as everyone else was when  those 3 tests came came out positive.

I knew in my heart before i took those 3 tests that I was pregnant but I also passed the way I was feeling off to just being stressed because of the divorce and all. So off to the store I went and bought a pack of 3 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive and I was indeed pregnant. I still had a hard time believing it until Yonatan and I went to my doctor haha but he was super excited from the beginning and I was terrified to tell my parents lol I prayed on how to tell them and that God would open their hearts to the situation and God definitely answered prayers because I have had NOTHING but support from my parents!!

People have been negative nancies throughout my pregnancy journey so far and people probably think that's the reason I got divorced but that's not at all the case and honestly Yonatan and I have no let people's ignorance get the best of us!!

In fact, Yonatan and I are ENGAGED!!!! And we plan on getting married soon. Like soon soon ;) My life has been craaaaaazy and changed so much since July but I am so happy. We found out we are having a baby girl!! And this morning I found out our baby girl will be dressed in Kardashian Baby clothes because the lovely dolls are coming out with a 0-24 little girls clothing line to Babies r Us NEXT MONTH! haha

Anyway, Yonatan and I couldn't be more thrilled or happy. I honestly love this man to pieces. He has done everything to be there for me and support me and our daughter. He works TWO jobs just to give us extra money and he is the kindest most loving man I have ever known. He gives his all to his daughter and me every single day and I just couldn't ask for more than that.

Life lessons

As I sit here and think, I realize there are a lot of lessons I have learned. Lessons I have experienced and they have made me who I am today. And I guess I sort of wanted to jot them down and share them with some of you; who knows maybe it will help someone with something they're going through...

1. Your family will always be there to back you up. Family isn't always blood, but family are those people who always stick it out with you and never leave your side. 

2. Make time to appreciate the little things. 

3. Slow down. Be silent. Sit still. 

4. Some of the best lessons to learn are the hardest to go through. 

5. Marriage doesn't equal maturity. 

6. Friends come and go. 

7. Having integrity will never let you down. 

8. It's always best to do things the right way, but it's okay to make mistakes. 

9. Don't beat yourself up over the small things; you're only human. 

10. Always make time for the children in your life. They look up to you more than you realize. 

11. Presenting yourself in a manner where others see your sincerity, honesty, and kindness will get you far. 

12. You can't win them all; meaning, not everyone will like you. 

13. Dogs really are a girl's best friend. 

14. Always make time for Skype or FaceTime dates. 

15. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle, but try your best to slow down. 

16. Go to church.  

17. Try giving money or your time to a cause or charity. 

18. Do things without being asked. And don't expect any type of reward for doing so. 

19. Never feel pressured to do anything. If your heart isn't in it, you shouldn't do it. 

20. Try your best not to lie. It's so much easier keeping track of the truth.

21. Sometimes it's best to shut your mouth and open your ears. 

22. Always lend your shoulder. 

23. Fighting, both verbally and physically, is pointless. 

24. Act your age. No one wants to see a 20 year old act like their mother or their mother act like a 20 year old. 

25. Know when it's appropriate to joke around and laugh. 

26. Be sensitive to others feelings.

27. Don't ever force your opinions or beliefs on anyone, but instead, have an open mind. 

28. Always make time for your parents and siblings. 

29. It's okay to have lazy days where you don't shower, sit around and eat junk food while watching netflix, but don't make it a habbit. It feels good to get out of the house. 

30. Don't do anything you're not fully committed to. 

Just a few things on my mind :)

Divorce.

What does divorce mean to you? To me it means there was nothing else that could be done. There was nothing more that could have been worked out. It means that either one or both parties were living an unhappy and unhealthy life. It means that there were issues that went much deeper than repair. There were possibly one or both parties that were not interested in making it work, and putting the effort in. One or both parties were neglected for a period of time that soon became an unfixable place of hurt. 

But what does it mean to the world? Well let me tell you what I have personally experienced. When I tell people I am getting a divorce (yes only one and a half years after getting married) I suddenly feel and see their judgement pouring over me. I have heard "well, you just need to try harder" "God hates divorce" "you're not allowed to get divorced" and so on and so forth. Not only do I feel judgement but I have also been let down and almost abandoned by many of people in my life that I thought would always be there for me. It's sad to say the least, and I have struggled with this for quite some time. But what I really have to do is let go. 

Divorce is not easy. Whether you have been married for one year, five years, or thirty years...making that decision to actually sign a paper stating that you are no longer married is a huge decision. I never thought I would be able to make that decision, but I proved myself wrong - I really did. I'm not bragging about getting divorced. It's a very sad situation that after a short amount of time I could not find it within myself to make my marriage work no matter what it took, but I find rest and true peace in the fact that I am a better person because of my mistakes and what I have done. I am not ashamed. Sure, it stings a little every single time someone asks where this person is that has been there for so long and I have to answer "I am getting a divorce". Sure it is awkward every time I have to realize that I am that statistical 24 year old woman who has landed in the divorce percentage. 

But I also am so happy that I am who I am, and I know what is best for me in any given situation, especially right now. I know what I deserve and I know my worth. And best of all, God has forgiven me for every single thing that I have ever done to disappoint Him and anyone else. And that is ALL that matters to me. 

So no, divorce isn't easy, folks. But sometimes, whether you believe it or not, it is necessary.  

Where do I "fit"?

Growing up, I was never a misfit. In preschool, I thought I had it made (looking back, I guess I really did) - I had a best friend, Kacie and a little black boyfriend, Ivan. And life was amazing, especially when Ivan gave me my little mermaid Barbie doll for my birthday. 

Moving up to elementary school, I always had friends; I never hurt for attention and I even got my first kiss there (yeah, I guess I started young) In 5th grade, I was "dating" (dating...ha!) the most popular boy in school, Josh. And I would always think to myself how much I loved my life. 

Moving up to middle school, I had it even more made. More friends...some old, a lot new. I went to the dances, I always had a boyfriend, I always had a best friend (Remember the fights between me, you, and Alex, Viktoria? Haha) and I even got into my first fight. What was it over? A boy! And I got rpc'd for the very first time. 

Moving on up to high school, I started realizing my goal in life wasn't to be popular but to have good friends. I didn't make the best of grades and I went through a lot of CRAP in high school, but I got through it and I ALWAYS fit in a crowd somewhere. Always. 

But now that I am 24, getting a divorce, and a lot of the people in my life have disappeared, where do I fit in now? Sure, I fit in at work I guess...people like me for the most part. But it doesn't give me any type of gratifying feeling. I guess I fit in at church, but I'm only there one day a week. I fit in with my family for the most part, but a lot of them have turned their backs on me (or so it feels.) and I have almost no friends (really the only one who talks to me consistently is best friend) so I don't really have a "group" like I always have that I feel I fit in with. 

But you know what I discovered? I don't care. That's life. I'm a 24 year old business woman who may seem like her world is upside down but my world is exactly the way I want it. 

I am who I am. I don't need to fit in anywhere. I am loved by those who love me, and I am hated by those who hate me. That's that. That's how it is. Life moves on. Plus, I am the child of God. I fit in with Him anytime. Even through my sins, my trials...I'm me! 

I may not be perfect. But that's perfect to me :)

I don't want to be.

I'm HUGE on quotes. I love reading them. I post them pretty much daily. And I spend a lot of time thinking about them. I don't just read them and repin them or post them; I actually ponder (yes, ponder) and try to apply them to my life the best I can. 

Lately I have been seeing quotes such as these: 

And although at first glance I think, alright...yes, that's true, I rethink it. And what does my mind come up with?

Why is it my job to make sure that my life is inspiring to others? Why is it my job to make sure my behavior says I'm a good person?

I'm not saying this out of spite or coming from a mean, hateful place, but truly why is this my job?

I don't want to be inspiring. 

I don't want to make sure my behavior proves to everyone that I am a good person. 

I don't want to...

I just want to be me.

Because if you ask me, there is no way I can make sure my life is inspiring. There are too many different types of people in this world to make sure my life is inspiring to everyone. The only one I want to inspire is myself. Maybe my nephew and niece also, but mostly, just myself. 

I also don't believe it is even feasible to have your actions and your behavior prove what a good person you are. I think I am a good person, a GREAT person if you will.  But sometimes my behavior completely contradicts that. Sometimes I just don't act like such a good person because why? ...I am human. 

And maybe I am taking these quotes that are meant to make us all feel good way too literally, but I can't help but really ponder on what exactly people are trying to convey. 

But I just want to be me. I want to be able to make mistakes without being judged. I want to be able to say things that are on my mind without wondering how someone will take it or who I am going to offend. I want to be able to run wildly and free amongst my own thoughts and mind instead of being influenced by everyone else's opinions. I want the freedom to choose what I choose without hearing all of the ways it is wrong. I want my life to be mine because that's what it is; my life. I want to be able to live care free amongst my daily routine because what is there really to worry about?! 

I don't want to be what everyone else wants me to be or think the way everyone else wants me to think or feel the way everyone else wants me to feel. 

I just want to be me.