My life was changed.

My life was changed the day I found out my nephew had cancer. Somehow, no matter how much the doctors kept telling us that they didn't think that's what it was, I knew. I don't know if God placed it on my heart or what, but I just had that feeling. And when it was confirmed, it was the biggest heart-wrenching feeling I have ever experienced. This news was worse than hearing any other bad news I had received in my lifetime. 

I don't have a "normal" aunt/nephew relationship with Elijah. I lived with him for about half his life, and as my sister went through some things, I was a "mom figure" to him. I helped raise him, feed him, clothe him, etc. pretty much anything a guardian would do, I've done. Until I had my own child, he was my "child". So I am much closer to him than the average aunt and nephew are. 

Maybe that's why it hit me as hard as it did. Or maybe it's just because no child deserves to hear the words "you have cancer." I mean can you imagine? I had a great childhood and never had to worry about anything really, and especially not wondering if I would die or not. 

Cancer sucks. Big time. But I am so thankful that Elijah is willing to fight. He knows he can beat cancer. And I'm so thankful he has that in his mind instead of thinking he is just automatically going to die. 

I'm thankful for chemo today. I pray that it does the job it's meant to do and kills that nastiness in his belly. We appreciate all the prayers & support coming from family, friends, and even strangers. It couldn't mean more to us. 

I question God.

I know a lot of people don't believe in God. Or maybe they believe in Him, but don't quite get the salvation plan that has been so graciously given to us. But I'm not here to preach to anyone or try and win them over to Christ. Maybe I should, but that's not what I'm aiming for with this post. 

Lately I have questioned God. A lot. I'd say that ever since I had a friend lose her child, I have not understood God. Why He lets these things happen...why He doesn't stop them. Why He lets nice people experience such heart ache. After my nephew has started to go through what he's been going through, the questions keep coming. I'm angry with God. I question Him daily. I yell at Him and express to Him what is truly in my heart. BUT with all of that being said...

I trust God. My God is an almighty God. And He knows what He's doing. I may not understand, but that's okay. I may not feel like any reason is justifiable but it's not my place to call that judgement. I'm not God. And because of that, I will never understand His reasoning. But that brings me peace in a way...if I could understand God fully, why would I need Him? I'm glad I don't understand Him in everything, because it lets me know that I'm running on faith and faith alone. And what a beautiful relationship that is. How beautiful to love someone you have never seen, never heard, or never touched...but in every sense, I have felt Him. He's there. Everywhere. All the time. He never leaves me. And in my toughest times, He just covers me in His love, grace, and compassion. 

I've been tested for the past couple years. And although I have sinned and fallen short, I have never felt alone. And that's because I KNOW without a doubt God is with me. Even when I'm angry at Him and just want Him to go away...He never does. He is a voice in my head, in my heart...an ever present love around me. And I'm so thankful for that. 

I pray that He continues to teach me through these tough months and years. That He continues to remind me daily that I can trust him with anything & everything even when I do not understand anything He is doing or anything He lets happen. He has made us a promise. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.." -Romans 8:28

That means in all things, good and bad. And I have to hang on to that promise no matter what. 

Thank God for giving me such a pure love and for giving me the salvation I need that will lead me to Heaven when my days on this earth are over. 

My Elijah

Most of you know that Elijah is pretty sick. We don't know exactly what it is yet, so please keep praying. 

BUT to keep things a little more positive, I'm going to list the things I love about him. Because he WILL get better. And I'm confident in that. 

Elijah is hilarious. Seriously so funny. 

Elijah loves Legos and builds them like a pro. 

Elijah is really good at coloring, drawing, etc. 

He says he doesn't want to do things or didn't have fun when he really does. So if you say "are you excited?" And he says no...he usually means yes lol

He's really a sweetheart. Even when he's being a booger. 

He's really good at video games. Anything he tries, he ends up mastering. 

He is really smart...REALLY smart. 

When he's feeling well, he's so hyper! And I love it. 

He cracks the funniest jokes. 

He knows a lot about the Bible and God. 

And although there are a ton more things I love about him...here is my favorite:

He's the best big cousin to Stassi. Stassi loves him. He sings to her, kisses her, plays with her. He's her favorite. Her eyes are glued to him almost always when he's around. And he's such a good helper with her. I can't wait for him to get better so they can play all the time together. 

I love you Elijah Salvador Medina. You are such a gift to this world and to this family. The world would not be the same without you, and I don't intend on finding out what the world would be like without you. So continue to fight your little booty off and kick this infection's butt. 

My little baby is 6 months?!

I find it completely crazy that my baby is already 6 months old. I remember giving birth to her like it was yesterday. I remember my contractions and breathing through them like a champ. I remember getting my epidural that allowed me to give birth to her so easily. And seeing her for the first time...I just broke down in tears. It seems like all of that was literally yesterday. 

My sweet babe officially turned 6 months on January 24th. So I figured I would do a little recap as to what she's like and what she is doing at 6 months. 

Stassi:

-talks...a lot. 

-she laughs and smiles at almost everything. 

-she gets real cranky when she's tired, but will fight sleep. 

-she doesn't nap very much and when she does, it's not for very long. 

-she's a daddy's girl but is slowly getting closer to mommy. 

-she says "dada" a lot. 

-she drinks formula as well as eats baby food. So far she likes everything except for green beans. 

-when she cries, she CRIES. 

-she's very opinionated and will let you know when she does not want to do something. 

-she crawls all over the place. 

-she is trying so hard to stand. 

-if she can bare a little bit of weight on your hands she will stand & walk. 

-she has her two bottom teeth and her dr says she's about to grow her two top teeth in. 

-she always smiles when I tell her she's a sister. 

-she loves her cousin Elijah. 

-she loves playing with her puppies.

-she gets so excited when grandpa says "you wanna give grandpa kisses?!"

-she is full of joy. 

-she is very adventurous and mischievous and doesn't mind getting into things at all. 

-she used to sleep through the night, but now wakes up once a night for a bottle. 

-she outgrew her bassinet.

-she's 17 pounds and 26 inches tall.

-she has a large head (big brains daddy says)

Stassi is so cool. She's such a fun little spirited girl full of life and spunk. I couldn't imagine life without her. Thank God for little girls!