I've been married, divorced, and remarried all by the young age of 25. Some may say I am an expert. Some may say I obviously know nothing at all. And I would say I am somewhere in the middle.
Although I have made plenty mistakes, I have learned a lot about marriage or should I say relationships in general. But I thought I would write down a couple key factors I have learned about marriage just from my own experiences. It doesn't make them rules that people should follow or even look up to, but maybe this could help someone - maybe even my own daughter one day someday.
1. Always marry your best friend. Sure, girls have their "girl" best friends. But marry the man who adds to your life. Who is not only your lover but your best friend who has YOUR best interest in mind instead of his own. It is important to build your relationship on friendship first.
2. If you have doubts that he is the one for you, do not get married. I remember with my first marriage, I had doubts about marrying him...these little voices in the back of my head saying it was the wrong choice for me. But I chose to ignore it, and it ended in the result of a painful drawn out, divorce.
3. Study the way your spouse thinks, reacts, and works with things. For example, what makes them irritated? What makes them happy? These are key factors that will help your relationship. If you choose to ignore these, you can very well be doing the things that irritate your spouse and neglecting the things that make them happy.
4. Listen. Truly listen to what your spouse wants and needs. Hear them out. What is bugging them? Do they feel neglected? Are you working too much or out with your friends too much? Is your family taking priority over your spouse? These are all things that can deeply damage a marriage if not attended to. Listen to the problems and then work on a way to fix them together.
5. Remember to separate yourselves from your parents. You are to leave your parents, brothers, and sisters, and join in a union with your spouse. Avoid comments like "well this is how my mom did it" or "my dad never told me no" News flash. Your husband isn't your dad. And your wife isn't your mother. Do not expect them to be the same or do things the way your parents did.
6. Stay away from the opposite sex friendships. I know people who have a problem with this. I have heard and even used the statement "but he's just a friend" "we have been homies for years" "she has been my best friend since I can remember" That's all good and well...when you are single. You may disagree, but I see relationships fail all the time due to a close relationship one spouse has with the opposite sex. Wives, your husband should be your guy best friend and husbands, your wife should be your girl best friend. Inappropriately close friendships with the opposite sex can deeply damage any relationship.
7. Put God in the center of your marriage. In this day in age, I really have no idea how couples make it without God in the center. I think this guideline is pretty self explanatory.
8. Arguing and fighting is a normal part of marriage. It doesn't mean your marriage is bad or damaged. Arguments happen and fights can break out. The important part is how you deal with it in the end. Are you always blaming your spouse but never taking any blame upon yourself? If so, that's a double standard and your spouse deserves an apology. It takes two to tango, just as it takes two to argue.
9. Say sorry! Apologize to your spouse if you know you have hurt them. Even if you don't know how they could have possibly taken what you said to heart. Everyone deals with emotions differently, and let's face it, women tend to be a little more sensitive than men. I know I am. I take small things that my husband probably didn't mean to be rude, to heart and it hurts my feelings. Be aware of your spouse's feelings and apologize.
10. Do not hold a grudge. What good does that do for your marriage? Your spouse is not perfect and either are you. Grudges are damaging. When you say you forgive each other, truly forgive each other. Do not bring up a past fight, and do not start keeping score of which spouse has done more things wrong than the other. That's childish. You are married for goodness sake. Forgive your spouse, do not hold a grudge, and just love one another.
11. Encourage your spouse in all they do. It is important that you are both happy individually as well as together. Believe it or not, your happiness does not depend on the other's happiness. You actually can have your own happiness that is sustained by God and yourself. With that being said, encourage your spouse's happiness. Do they like fishing? Do they like camping? Do they like going places? Or working on cars? Whatever it may be, encourage them to do so.
12. Pray for your spouse. If I could stress how important this is to everyone, I would. Prayer is so important. So powerful. My husband and I are no where near perfect and I do not think either one of us are super spiritually mature, but we sure do pray for each other. Not only does it encourage the other, it is also helping put God in the center and really just asking God to encourage each other and bless one another. Prayer should actually be number one.
13. Be fair. Don't do something and then tell your spouse they can't. For example, have you ever gone out for a girls night and then found yourself completely uncomfortable with letting your spouse go out for a guys night? Doesn't seem quite fair does it? Which leads into....
14. Trust your spouse. If your spouse has done nothing to break or damage your trust, trust them! Do you trust their character? Do you trust their intentions? If not, work on that trust with your spouse. With that being said, husbands and wives, do not do things that would make your spouse question you. Don't put yourselves in positions that do not look right. For example, do not say to yourself "oh my wife trusts me so I can go to a strip club because she knows I won't do anything" - no! Keep away from positions that would make your spouse question you. Trust is such a vital part of marriage.
15. Honor your spouse. And honor your marriage. Pornography, strip clubs, clubs, etc...none of that honors your marriage or your spouse. Your spouse should be enough to fill you up. Your spouse should be the only man or woman that holds your attention. When you look at those naked women on your computer screen or when you Inappropriately flirt with that man at the club, you are making a fool out of your spouse and treating them as if they are not enough for you.
16. Continue to flirt and date your spouse. My husband and I always flirt. Whether it's a wink here or a little butt slap there, we remember to always flirt with each other. Take your spouse out to dinner or a movie. If you have a child, remember it is vital to have your own time too. Get a babysitter at least once a month and go out together.
17. Don't wait until a storm comes to fix the hole in your boat. In other words, don't wait until you have problems to work on your marriage. Marriage consistently needs to be worked on. Couples don't realize that they often neglect each other and then it seems as though "all of a sudden" a problem occurs. This couldn't be further from the truth. Problems don't ever suddenly occur. It's a slow fade. Remember that. Work on your marriage always.
18. Put your spouse before your children. So many people disagree with me on this. But I have found that as a lot of children grow up, they try to play mommy and daddy against each other. To the point where the parents start fighting. When you put your spouse before your children, you are able to have the same game plan as them. You are able to be on the same level, on the same page. This is so important in your marriage. Your children are extremely important, but do not let your child take priority over your spouse. That's not the way it was meant to be.
19. Fight for your marriage. Despite all the precautions you take, temptations you resist, and problems you try and fix, your marriage will have dry spells. It will have hard times. And you'll feel like giving up! But fight for your marriage! I promise you it's worth it.
20. Have fun! Marriage is hard. It's not easy. But it's the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced other than being a mom. When you take the time out to have fun with your spouse, it brings in a joy that nothing else can. Laugh. Smile. Play with your spouse.
Like I said, I am no expert. But I do know what works and doesn't work when it comes to certain things. You can take or leave my advice but I just thought I would share :)
xoxo
Erin
