Overwhelming love

Lately I have felt overwhelmed with love for my children. It's not that I love them more than I did before, but I have just been overwhelmed with love lately. 

For years I struggled with infertility. For years I thought I may never be a biological mom. But I had no idea that God's plans were far better than mine. And I am so overwhelmed with my children. 

They always tell you "don't blink...it will pass by so fast" and oh my, is that statement becoming more true every single day. Just yesterday, Stassi was born! Just yesterday Stassi was kissing Layla in my tummy. Just yesterday I was told I was having an emergency c-section. The only problem is, it wasn't just yesterday. In fact, my c-section was almost a year ago! 

I know I have years until the girls are going to leave the house, but honestly, I know how fast that will pass by. And as proud as I am of how great the girls are and all of the new things they are doing, it makes me sad. I want to be able to hold my sweet girls forever. And with that, there are just things I never want to forget. I want to soak in all I can. Capture all I can in picture or video. 

I never want to forget the way Stassi needs her hands, knees, or feet kissed when she falls. I never want to forget the way she speaks at this age. I never want to forget her fake cry. I never want to forget the joy that comes over her face when she hears music. I never want to forget the way she cuddles. I never want to forget the way she takes care of her sister. I never want to forget the way she asks to take a bath. 

I never want to forget the way Layla smiles. I never want to forget the way Layla's tiny body crawls around the floor so fast. I never want to forget the way she stands up in the morning for us to come and pick her up. I never want to forget the way she cries for her bottles. I never want to forget the temper she already has. I never want to forget the way she says mama and dada so sweetly. 

I just never want to forget my girls at this age. I never want to forget the toys they play with or the music they listen to or the TV shows they watch. Because I know they'll get to an age where they won't want their dolls and stuffed animals, but instead want to spend time in their rooms and talk on the phone. I know they'll get to an age where they'll stop listening to Wheels on the Bus and instead be listening to the newest and greatest of whatever is out there. I know they'll get to an age where they'll stop watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Sofia the First and instead want to watch all the junk that TV has to offer. And I know growing up is a part of life. I know our goal is to grow our children up well enough that they can make it on their own, but I like the commotion and the noise going on in my house right now. I like the little feet and the tiny hands. I like the mess because it's what I had prayed for, for so long. And I don't want to forget it. 

Eventually they will be out of the house, on their own, whether it be by themselves, with a friend, or a husband. They'll be able to make their own grown up decisions. They'll have jobs. Maybe even go to college. They'll be gone, and Yonatan and I will be left with an empty nest. No commotion. No noise. Just the two of us. And although I am sure it will be a great new chapter in our lives, it makes me sad to think that one day our girls who depend on us, won't be with us anymore. 

I've learned not to take these moments and these beautiful baby girls for granted. I enjoy them and just beam with happiness because of them. I am honored to be their mommy and I don't ever want to forget the way I feel now and the things they do now. I want to live in the moment and soak ALL of them in. And I encourage moms everywhere to do the same. 

Why being a mom is hard...

Sometimes my "inner voice" tells me I'm not a good mom. Sometimes there are moments where I feel like a complete failure. Sometimes I want to just cry and give up. But I can't. Because there are two little girls looking up to me, depending on me to keep going. 

Being a mom is the most rewarding "job" in life. It's something that makes you feel a love that you never knew existed. It's something that makes you look outside yourself and put something before yourself. It's something that, at the end of the day, you can look back on and know you've accomplished something in life. 

But it's also extremely tiring, difficult, and even lonely at times. Because I'm a working mom, I struggle with the guilt all the time. I feel like I should be home with them every day, teaching them and loving them, but right now, for our goals in life, that's just not what will work for us right now. There are times where the girls are just fussy and whiny and fighting ALL. DAY. LONG. it's hard. Sometimes being a mom is overwhelming and you just want a minute to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes you feel like you're holding the weight of the world on your shoulders because you feel like you're single handily doing everything on your own. Sometimes you want to scream, and yes, even CURSE! Because it gets really frustrating. Sometimes you want to put yourself before your children. Sometimes you feel like your husband is the one who always gets the love from them, while you have to deal with all the temper tantrums and screaming. Sometimes you would do anything to sleep straight through the night. 

Being a mom isn't easy. The love comes naturally. The "momma instincts" come naturally. But it's emotionally draining sometimes. 

There are so many moms out there who make it look so easy on social media. Some moms out there look SO perfect. But I have to remind myself, that perfection doesn't exist. I have to believe that EVERY mom has those days where she feels she could be doing more. Where she doesn't feel like she's doing enough, even when she knows she's trying her best. 

I have little thoughts that pop in my head every day. I should read to them more. They should be eating more vegetables. They shouldn't watch so much TV. They should go to the park more. And the list goes on and on and on...it really can become torture to the mind. 

What I have to remember is the good things. The things that make being a mom so worth it. The things that make the hard days seem like a piece of cake. The things like how Stassi just runs up to me and hugs me and kisses me for no reason. The way Stassi says "mommy" every time she needs me. The way Layla wants to cuddle. The way they both like being around me. The way I can make them both smile. The way they both love eating the meals I cook for them. The way they love to be in the bath. The way they both just fill my heart with pride and joy. 

Yes, being a mom is hard at times. But being a mom is worth it. It's worth the moments when you feel you aren't enough. Because I know I am. I know I love them. And I know the girls know I love them. They can feel it. God has blessed me with a life I could have never imagined. But I am so thankful he blessed me with my girls. 

So if you are a mommy, and you feel like you aren't enough or like you aren't doing enough, or you just want to throw yourself to the floor and cry, remember that you ARE enough. And those children look up to you and love you regardless of how you think you have failed.