At the age of 22, I married a man who I had been dating for about 3 years. I had my doubts, but I kept on with it. The day I got married, I remember looking in the mirror while I was getting ready, questioning what I was doing. But I stuffed those thoughts in the back of my head and went on with the day. After getting married, things were okay. I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy either. Slowly, I felt controlled, unhappy, and overall disconnected. I barely spoke to my family, and when I did, I hid everything. How could I tell anyone how unhappy I was? I wanted this. I asked for this. My parents paid for a wedding. I made a promise Infront of hundreds of people. So instead, I overcompensated. I always said how happy I was, I tried to get pregnant, and we even bought a house. I thought things would make me happy. That life events would make me happy. That I could fix it if I just did "this." Nothing worked. Instead of building a marriage, we played house. He was gone most of the time, working. And I felt completely neglected, unloved, and appreciated. So I stepped outside of marriage. I will never say what I did was right. I will never defend what I did. I will always tell you what I did was wrong. I will never give excuses because I don't have any. I have reasons as to why I did what I did. But I do not have excuses.
When I told my husband at the time, he was furious. He didn't leave me, but instead I left him. I didn't think we could work it out. I had nothing left for him. I had nothing left to give of myself. I felt emotionally drained and numb towards him. So I moved on...
With the man I had an affair with. I know what people think of that when they hear that. Probably the same thing I thought when I heard Garth Brooks left his wife for Trisha Yearwood...WHO DOES THAT? (and a lot of other not nice things) I quickly got pregnant and then married this man, who is now my husband.
But let me tell you...God is good. God took such an ugly, unclean, situation and turned it around for good. I could be a single mom. I could be living in regret and shame for what I did. My life could be upside down and messed up if it weren't for my God. Only HE can give me such amazing grace. My parents, who were so disappointed and saddened by what I had done, now love my husband so much.
Because of God's grace I do not have to live in shame. I do not have to hide behind my past. I don't have to. And I won't. There are a lot of people (Christians included) who are very uncomfortable with complete forgiveness. I apologized to two people...my ex husband and God. I asked for forgiveness and when I did that, God forgave me. And there are people who want to hold me down forever. There are people who want to hold on to the fact that I sinned. There are people that feel I don't deserve happiness because of what I did. But just because people think and feel this way, does not mean that's how God works. He died on the cross for MY sins. His grace covers my sins.
Now this doesn't mean that I don't and won't suffer consequences for my actions. One of them...I lost a lot of people. A lot of people think of me differently. I will never live this down in some people's eyes, and things will be said about me for years to come. Another consequence I have to face is telling my children. Although I am comfortable with this and prepared for this, I would never want my girls to do the same or go through the same thing.
So what do I get out of this?
Divorce isn't okay. It isn't the answer. (Although the it happens) When you get married, you work at your marriage and you make it work despite anything. Because God has restored me, I am entirely ready and committed to my marriage, and I am thankful that my husband feels the same. God has renewed us together, as a family. I don't have to hide behind my divorce. I thank God that I am with my husband. I love him dearly, more than I could express. I have learned so much about marriage in the last couple of years. I am looking forward to building a real live relationship with him instead of just playing house. I enjoy him and our time together. I am pursuing him. And once again, this is all because of God's grace. I am so thankful for that and so thankful for the life we have together.
Getting a divorce can suck and it has its consequences, and I am not downplaying divorce at all. It is a real tragedy that has affected people all around the world in mass numbers, but it is not something you have to be shameful of forever when you seek God's forgiveness and He restores you. It took me a long time to get right with God. And I still have moments where I feel guilty and I feel like I am being pushed down into shame, but I refuse to let that happen.
The sweetest gift I know is forgiveness and grace, and I am so blessed to have received that from my a God.
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