Our baby is 3 months old.

Layla Grace is 3 months old as of September 27, 2015. I can't believe these 3 months have passed by so fast. I still remember being in the hospital with her like it was yesterday. I loved being in the hospital. I was able to look after and care for my baby ALONE with my husband. Of course Stassi would come and visit but it was so nice being able to watch her and love on her for a few days alone. 

But now, of course, life is life and it's crazy. She is watched by her grandma during the week & we just love the time we have with her and her sister.

 So here is Layla at 3 months:

-She sits up so well. Although not on her own, her head and neck are very strong. 

-We put her in her walker and her feet touch the ground so she's able to stand in there like a big person! 

-She loves baths. 

-She loves her head being rubbed. 

-She had cradle cap poor baby, but it's mostly gone now! 

-Just like her sister at that age, she is a total daddy's girl. 

-Speaking of daddy, she looks just like him. It's crazy...they are twins. 

-I wanna say her skin is getting darker (which I love. I can't wait to see its final color)

-She has big dark brown eyes like daddy. 

-She smiles so much. She is a little smiling machine. 

-BUT she also wins the award for giving dirty looks lol

-She gets surprised/scared easily. It doesn't take much to startle her. 

-She eats so much. Like...so much. 

-She loves her sister. Everytime Stassi is around, she watches her and smiles at her and just kicks her little legs. 

-She is extremely active. At first she was a little sleepy bug (which I know a lot of babies are) but Stassi wasn't so we weren't sure what to expect. But now she just swings those legs and arms all around. 

-She coos and talks a lot. 

-She sleeps through the night! (Hallelujah!!)

-She is such a little cuddler. 

-She loves to watch TV. 

-She has sucked her thumb a few times which I hope goes away...

-BUT she's teething so I'm sure that has something to do with it. 

-She's not very good at swallowing her Tylenol lol

-She does tummy time like a champ. Always has...and now she lifts her head up during tummy time which I love. 

-She dances. Like, I kid you not. She dances. 

-Daddy said she's a grasshopper because she's always trying to "jump" off of us lol

-She can be extremely serious...almost intimidating lol 

-She loves church. She actually looks and listens to the pastor.

-Speaking of church, she's great in church. As long as she has her bottle and daddy's arms, she's good to go. 

-I sing in the worship band at church, and the music NEVER wakes her up when we practice so I love that. 

-She had her first road trip & she did so well. I had to climb in the back seat a few times to feed her but she was so good. 

-She was dedicated at church! And I just loved being able to dedicate our little girl to the Lord. And have our church family stand behind us and support us. 

Layla is just a great baby. Smiley. Quiet (for the most part) and just loves her family. I love our little Layla Grace. She's such an amazing addition to this family and I can't wait to see her overcome all her milestones. Mommy and daddy love you baby! Happy 3 months :)

Dear husband...

Dear husband,

Where do I even start? If I would've known everything I know now, I would've never wasted time on anybody else. I would've saved everything for you & only you. But I didn't and because I didn't, things have sometimes been difficult for us. Like anybody else, I have my own insecurities, jealousies, and crazy moments that don't always show the best parts of me. But I'm so thankful to have you who loves me. 

You have always accepted me for exactly who I am, baggage and all. You've never tried to change my personality and you've always encouraged my creativity. 

You sit back as I sing and dance crazily in the car, and you just smile. You tell me how beautiful I am every single day.  You kiss me so passionately. You hold my hand while we fall asleep. You let me watch all my favorite shows that are filled with drama. You like Gilmore girls & Pretty Little Liars enough to ask questions. You've watched me go through some of the hardest times. As I was in the middle of a divorce and felt bad when you'd pay for things because I was figuring out money on my own, you'd say "we're getting a divorce" and pay for everything. You have done everything I've asked and more. You have loved my family like they're your own. You understood that I had PCOS and if we were unable to get pregnant you were going to be more than happy to adopt. You've always told me I'm smart and I'm capable of anything. You held my hand as my grandpa took his last breath. You held me while I cried when I found out my nephew had cancer. You've prayed with and for me and our family. You love our church and going to church just as much as I do. You've stayed up countless hours with our girls as they cry. You took care of me for days while I layed in a hospital bed unsure of what was going on. You held me while I was screaming in pain reminding me I'm strong and I can make it through this when I told you I was going to die. You held my hand while I delivered both of our babies. You took care of our babies and me in the hospital after they were born. You've encouraged me to lose weight if I want to but told me you didn't care and loved me exactly the way I am. You encourage me to go to school to better my education. You make me wear my seatbelt. You let me listen to my "lame" music even though you hate it. You talk to me every time I have another question about something random. You always forgive me when I do something wrong or stupid. 

You're just everything I could ask for and more. You're my best friend. And I couldn't be more thankful that you're in my life. I love you so much babe.

Love always,

Your wife

How God restores you (Divorce & Remarriage)

Divorce happens. In fact, it happens often for various reasons. And I'm going to tell you a little bit about mine. 

At the age of 22, I married a man who I had been dating for about 3 years. I had my doubts, but I kept on with it. The day I got married, I remember looking in the mirror while I was getting ready, questioning what I was doing. But I stuffed those thoughts in the back of my head and went on with the day. After getting married, things were okay. I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy either. Slowly, I felt controlled, unhappy, and overall disconnected. I barely spoke to my family, and when I did, I hid everything. How could I tell anyone how unhappy I was? I wanted this. I asked for this. My parents paid for a wedding. I made a promise Infront of hundreds of people. So instead, I overcompensated. I always said how happy I was, I tried to get pregnant, and we even bought a house. I thought things would make me happy. That life events would make me happy. That I could fix it if I just did "this." Nothing worked. Instead of building a marriage, we played house. He was gone most of the time, working. And I felt completely neglected, unloved, and appreciated. So I stepped outside of marriage. I will never say what I did was right. I will never defend what I did. I will always tell you what I did was wrong. I will never give excuses because I don't have any. I have reasons as to why I did what I did. But I do not have excuses. 

When I told my husband at the time, he was furious. He didn't leave me, but instead I left him. I didn't think we could work it out. I had nothing left for him. I had nothing left to give of myself. I felt emotionally drained and numb towards him. So I moved on...

With the man I had an affair with. I know what people think of that when they hear that. Probably the same thing I thought when I heard Garth Brooks left his wife for Trisha Yearwood...WHO DOES THAT?  (and a lot of other not nice things) I quickly got pregnant and then married this man, who is now my husband. 

But let me tell you...God is good. God took such an ugly, unclean, situation and turned it around for good. I could be a single mom. I could be living in regret and shame for what I did. My life could be upside down and messed up if it weren't for my God. Only HE can give me such amazing grace. My parents, who were so disappointed and saddened by what I had done, now love my husband so much. 

Because of God's grace I do not have to live in shame. I do not have to hide behind my past. I don't have to. And I won't. There are a lot of people (Christians included) who are very uncomfortable with complete forgiveness. I apologized to two people...my ex husband and God. I asked for forgiveness and when I did that, God forgave me. And there are people who want to hold me down forever. There are people who want to hold on to the fact that I sinned. There are people that feel I don't deserve happiness because of what I did. But just because people think and feel this way, does not mean that's how God works. He died on the cross for MY sins. His grace covers my sins. 

Now this doesn't mean that I don't and won't suffer consequences for my actions. One of them...I lost a lot of people. A lot of people think of me differently. I will never live this down in some people's eyes, and things will be said about me for years to come. Another consequence I have to face is telling my children. Although I am comfortable with this and prepared for this, I would never want my girls to do the same or go through the same thing. 

So what do I get out of this? 

Divorce isn't okay. It isn't the answer. (Although the it happens) When you get married, you work at your marriage and you make it work despite anything. Because God has restored me, I am entirely ready and committed to my marriage, and I am thankful that my husband feels the same. God has renewed us together, as a family. I don't have to hide behind my divorce. I thank God that I am with my husband. I love him dearly, more than I could express. I have learned so much about marriage in the last couple of years. I am looking forward to building a real live relationship with him instead of just playing house. I enjoy him and our time together. I am pursuing him. And once again, this is all because of God's grace. I am so thankful for that and so thankful for the life we have together. 

Getting a divorce can suck and it has its consequences, and I am not downplaying divorce at all. It is a real tragedy that has affected people all around the world in mass numbers, but it is not something you have to be shameful of forever when you seek God's forgiveness and He restores you. It took me a long time to get right with God. And I still have moments where I feel guilty and I feel like I am being pushed down into shame, but I refuse to let that happen. 

The sweetest gift I know is forgiveness and grace, and I am so blessed to have received that from my a God. 

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

September is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) Awareness Month. September also happens to be my birthday month, so it works out since I have PCOS😉

Since being in high school I have always struggled with pain in my ovaries, hips, and back. It wouldn't only be painful when I had my period, but it got more and more painful throughout the entire month as I grew older. Periods were the worst. I would double over when I walked and I would lay in a fetal position. Pain medication almost never worked, and it was a horrible way of life for me. As I became old enough to start my career, I was finding myself missing days of work because I literally could not get out of bed. 

I remember when my doctor gave me the fact sheet about PCOS telling me that's what I had...I was like Polycystic what? So you know I had to go on google and research everything I could find. 

I came to find that PCOS isn't rare at all. In fact 1 in every 10 women have it and about 50% of those women go undiagnosed. 

PCOS presents itself in many different forms for many different women. It's the number one endocrine cause for infertility and weight gain in women. Despite the name, you do not have to have your ovaries covered in cysts all the time or even at all for you to have PCOS. 

PCOS symptoms:

-Irregular periods

-Painful periods

-Hair growth on your face and unusual places on your body

-Hair loss

-Weight gain

-Infertility

-Depression

-Severe mood swings

-Acne

-Insulin resistance 

-Sleep Apnea (problems breathing while sleeping)

-Cysts on your ovaries

-Darkening skin patches and skin tags

It can cause you to have a higher risk of diabetes, heart attack, and early menopause (& that's just naming a few)

It's unknown what causes PCOS. But it is known that PCOS can run in the family. It's said that if your sister has it, you are twice as likely to have it as well. 

PCOS can't be seen on the outside, but it is very alive and painful on the inside. PCOS causes a lot of women to have problems with their family, friends, and in their relationships because those who do not have it, don't understand and those who do have it, can't explain how much it truly affects their lives. Making plans gets hard sometimes due to the fact of waking up in and remaining in pain for the entire day, unexpectedly. 

It's not something women can get over. It's not something that if they relax and stop thinking about it, it will go away. A lot of these women have to live on medication just to make it through the day. 

I thank God I was able to conceive my two wonderful babies and have no major complications during my pregnancies. A lot of women miscarry due to PCOS, and a lot of women have to get medical help in order to get pregnant. 

But here are some of the happy things:

You can get pregnant with PCOS. It's true that some women never do, but just because you're diagnosed does not mean you will never have children. 

You can lose weight. It's said that a 5-10% weight loss will increase your chances of getting pregnant AND relieving some of your symptoms. 

You can live a normal life. PCOS should never define you or take a hold of your life. Even if you do have to take medicine, fill your body with healthy foods and exercise (even when you're in pain) and it will make a huge difference on how your body feels. 

I still have really bad days where I'm in pain and my periods are really bad, BUT I am so grateful I am not in as much pain as I used to be. 

Please raise awareness for all the women who have PCOS. There is NO CURE, and we need to find one. Ladies, please go get checked out. It never hurts to at least ask questions! You could be part of the 50% who goes undiagnosed, and that's when your chances of diabetes, heart disease/heart attacks, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, and heart and blood complications increase! 

Wear teal this month and represent all the ladies who suffer internally!