First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby...

Unless you are Erin Medina and Yonatan Saavedra and do it all types of backwards haha but I would not change my life for anything. Yep, you guessed it. I AM PREGGERS!!! Now for those of you who know me, you know I have wanted to be a mommy for a few years now but i was just as surprised as everyone else was when  those 3 tests came came out positive.

I knew in my heart before i took those 3 tests that I was pregnant but I also passed the way I was feeling off to just being stressed because of the divorce and all. So off to the store I went and bought a pack of 3 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive and I was indeed pregnant. I still had a hard time believing it until Yonatan and I went to my doctor haha but he was super excited from the beginning and I was terrified to tell my parents lol I prayed on how to tell them and that God would open their hearts to the situation and God definitely answered prayers because I have had NOTHING but support from my parents!!

People have been negative nancies throughout my pregnancy journey so far and people probably think that's the reason I got divorced but that's not at all the case and honestly Yonatan and I have no let people's ignorance get the best of us!!

In fact, Yonatan and I are ENGAGED!!!! And we plan on getting married soon. Like soon soon ;) My life has been craaaaaazy and changed so much since July but I am so happy. We found out we are having a baby girl!! And this morning I found out our baby girl will be dressed in Kardashian Baby clothes because the lovely dolls are coming out with a 0-24 little girls clothing line to Babies r Us NEXT MONTH! haha

Anyway, Yonatan and I couldn't be more thrilled or happy. I honestly love this man to pieces. He has done everything to be there for me and support me and our daughter. He works TWO jobs just to give us extra money and he is the kindest most loving man I have ever known. He gives his all to his daughter and me every single day and I just couldn't ask for more than that.

Life lessons

As I sit here and think, I realize there are a lot of lessons I have learned. Lessons I have experienced and they have made me who I am today. And I guess I sort of wanted to jot them down and share them with some of you; who knows maybe it will help someone with something they're going through...

1. Your family will always be there to back you up. Family isn't always blood, but family are those people who always stick it out with you and never leave your side. 

2. Make time to appreciate the little things. 

3. Slow down. Be silent. Sit still. 

4. Some of the best lessons to learn are the hardest to go through. 

5. Marriage doesn't equal maturity. 

6. Friends come and go. 

7. Having integrity will never let you down. 

8. It's always best to do things the right way, but it's okay to make mistakes. 

9. Don't beat yourself up over the small things; you're only human. 

10. Always make time for the children in your life. They look up to you more than you realize. 

11. Presenting yourself in a manner where others see your sincerity, honesty, and kindness will get you far. 

12. You can't win them all; meaning, not everyone will like you. 

13. Dogs really are a girl's best friend. 

14. Always make time for Skype or FaceTime dates. 

15. It's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle, but try your best to slow down. 

16. Go to church.  

17. Try giving money or your time to a cause or charity. 

18. Do things without being asked. And don't expect any type of reward for doing so. 

19. Never feel pressured to do anything. If your heart isn't in it, you shouldn't do it. 

20. Try your best not to lie. It's so much easier keeping track of the truth.

21. Sometimes it's best to shut your mouth and open your ears. 

22. Always lend your shoulder. 

23. Fighting, both verbally and physically, is pointless. 

24. Act your age. No one wants to see a 20 year old act like their mother or their mother act like a 20 year old. 

25. Know when it's appropriate to joke around and laugh. 

26. Be sensitive to others feelings.

27. Don't ever force your opinions or beliefs on anyone, but instead, have an open mind. 

28. Always make time for your parents and siblings. 

29. It's okay to have lazy days where you don't shower, sit around and eat junk food while watching netflix, but don't make it a habbit. It feels good to get out of the house. 

30. Don't do anything you're not fully committed to. 

Just a few things on my mind :)

Divorce.

What does divorce mean to you? To me it means there was nothing else that could be done. There was nothing more that could have been worked out. It means that either one or both parties were living an unhappy and unhealthy life. It means that there were issues that went much deeper than repair. There were possibly one or both parties that were not interested in making it work, and putting the effort in. One or both parties were neglected for a period of time that soon became an unfixable place of hurt. 

But what does it mean to the world? Well let me tell you what I have personally experienced. When I tell people I am getting a divorce (yes only one and a half years after getting married) I suddenly feel and see their judgement pouring over me. I have heard "well, you just need to try harder" "God hates divorce" "you're not allowed to get divorced" and so on and so forth. Not only do I feel judgement but I have also been let down and almost abandoned by many of people in my life that I thought would always be there for me. It's sad to say the least, and I have struggled with this for quite some time. But what I really have to do is let go. 

Divorce is not easy. Whether you have been married for one year, five years, or thirty years...making that decision to actually sign a paper stating that you are no longer married is a huge decision. I never thought I would be able to make that decision, but I proved myself wrong - I really did. I'm not bragging about getting divorced. It's a very sad situation that after a short amount of time I could not find it within myself to make my marriage work no matter what it took, but I find rest and true peace in the fact that I am a better person because of my mistakes and what I have done. I am not ashamed. Sure, it stings a little every single time someone asks where this person is that has been there for so long and I have to answer "I am getting a divorce". Sure it is awkward every time I have to realize that I am that statistical 24 year old woman who has landed in the divorce percentage. 

But I also am so happy that I am who I am, and I know what is best for me in any given situation, especially right now. I know what I deserve and I know my worth. And best of all, God has forgiven me for every single thing that I have ever done to disappoint Him and anyone else. And that is ALL that matters to me. 

So no, divorce isn't easy, folks. But sometimes, whether you believe it or not, it is necessary.  

Where do I "fit"?

Growing up, I was never a misfit. In preschool, I thought I had it made (looking back, I guess I really did) - I had a best friend, Kacie and a little black boyfriend, Ivan. And life was amazing, especially when Ivan gave me my little mermaid Barbie doll for my birthday. 

Moving up to elementary school, I always had friends; I never hurt for attention and I even got my first kiss there (yeah, I guess I started young) In 5th grade, I was "dating" (dating...ha!) the most popular boy in school, Josh. And I would always think to myself how much I loved my life. 

Moving up to middle school, I had it even more made. More friends...some old, a lot new. I went to the dances, I always had a boyfriend, I always had a best friend (Remember the fights between me, you, and Alex, Viktoria? Haha) and I even got into my first fight. What was it over? A boy! And I got rpc'd for the very first time. 

Moving on up to high school, I started realizing my goal in life wasn't to be popular but to have good friends. I didn't make the best of grades and I went through a lot of CRAP in high school, but I got through it and I ALWAYS fit in a crowd somewhere. Always. 

But now that I am 24, getting a divorce, and a lot of the people in my life have disappeared, where do I fit in now? Sure, I fit in at work I guess...people like me for the most part. But it doesn't give me any type of gratifying feeling. I guess I fit in at church, but I'm only there one day a week. I fit in with my family for the most part, but a lot of them have turned their backs on me (or so it feels.) and I have almost no friends (really the only one who talks to me consistently is best friend) so I don't really have a "group" like I always have that I feel I fit in with. 

But you know what I discovered? I don't care. That's life. I'm a 24 year old business woman who may seem like her world is upside down but my world is exactly the way I want it. 

I am who I am. I don't need to fit in anywhere. I am loved by those who love me, and I am hated by those who hate me. That's that. That's how it is. Life moves on. Plus, I am the child of God. I fit in with Him anytime. Even through my sins, my trials...I'm me! 

I may not be perfect. But that's perfect to me :)

I don't want to be.

I'm HUGE on quotes. I love reading them. I post them pretty much daily. And I spend a lot of time thinking about them. I don't just read them and repin them or post them; I actually ponder (yes, ponder) and try to apply them to my life the best I can. 

Lately I have been seeing quotes such as these: 

And although at first glance I think, alright...yes, that's true, I rethink it. And what does my mind come up with?

Why is it my job to make sure that my life is inspiring to others? Why is it my job to make sure my behavior says I'm a good person?

I'm not saying this out of spite or coming from a mean, hateful place, but truly why is this my job?

I don't want to be inspiring. 

I don't want to make sure my behavior proves to everyone that I am a good person. 

I don't want to...

I just want to be me.

Because if you ask me, there is no way I can make sure my life is inspiring. There are too many different types of people in this world to make sure my life is inspiring to everyone. The only one I want to inspire is myself. Maybe my nephew and niece also, but mostly, just myself. 

I also don't believe it is even feasible to have your actions and your behavior prove what a good person you are. I think I am a good person, a GREAT person if you will.  But sometimes my behavior completely contradicts that. Sometimes I just don't act like such a good person because why? ...I am human. 

And maybe I am taking these quotes that are meant to make us all feel good way too literally, but I can't help but really ponder on what exactly people are trying to convey. 

But I just want to be me. I want to be able to make mistakes without being judged. I want to be able to say things that are on my mind without wondering how someone will take it or who I am going to offend. I want to be able to run wildly and free amongst my own thoughts and mind instead of being influenced by everyone else's opinions. I want the freedom to choose what I choose without hearing all of the ways it is wrong. I want my life to be mine because that's what it is; my life. I want to be able to live care free amongst my daily routine because what is there really to worry about?! 

I don't want to be what everyone else wants me to be or think the way everyone else wants me to think or feel the way everyone else wants me to feel. 

I just want to be me. 

Finding myself.

I've struggled a long time with finding myself. I've asked myself questions such as "Who are you?" "What makes you that way?" "Why do you feel this way?" And the list goes on and on. 

I used to think that feeling sad, angry, or confused was a bad thing. Sure, they aren't the best feelings in the world, but I realized they are okay feelings to have. And why? Because I'm human. I'm not going to be a happy person 24/7. 

Something I feel very strongly about is that the person you are with should NEVER want to change you. Sure, compromising is a part of any relationship because one person is not always right but you should remain true to yourself. Your relationship should never define you. You should not ONLY be (insert name here)'s happiness but you should also be your own happiness. I used to hear all the time that you cannot love someone until you love yourself and you cannot be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself and it didn't become clear to me until recently. We all have insecurities and I know this, but if you are not happy with yourself from within, how can you be truly happy with anyone else? It's okay to put yourself first and make yourself priority over others. That's actually how it's supposed to work (to a certain extent of course)

But aside from all of that, what makes you, you? And this is a question I have struggled with for quite some time. Losing myself was the strangest feeling in the world to me. Seeing things I used to love doing or seeing people I used to love seeing or feeling the way I used to love feeling...and it just all seemed so distant from me. It literally felt like I was watching what my life should have been and I had some type of "out of body" experience. 

So what am I? Who am I? What do I represent? What am I here for? What is it that I like doing? All these questions seem to be slowly coming into my life as answers instead of questions. Finding myself has been the most amazing experience I've had in my life. 

Things I love and things that describe me? Well...

GOD. Photography. Singing. Guitar. Family. Friends. Laughter. Fun. Happiness. Joy. Excitement. Adventure. Experimenting. 

I was missing at least a part of every single one of those if not all of it from my life. I had lost myself so far into something else that I literally lost touch with all of these things. 

But the best part? The best part is experiencing all of this in a new light. Seeing things through new eyes. Something that feels so surreal and so amazing. I thank God for His patience with me. I thank God for knowing me inside and out - knowing every flaw, yet still loving me unconditionally and taking His time with me. Although I have consequences, I am restored. 

Finding myself...it wasn't easy but it was something I will never forget. Another lesson learned and I wouldn't want it any other way. I guess in a way you could say that I am finally home. Home isn't always a literal since. Home is with the people who love you and support you and are there for you. Home for me is with God, my family, my best friend, and those who love me and have my best interest at heart. 

I am so thankful for this life I have been given. I am so happy in the most simple ways. Happy Tuesday everyone :) 

Mixed emotions.

Ever have a period of time in your life when all you feel is confusion? Where all your emotions just seem to mix together? Where periods of time during your day you're wondering if you really ARE bipolar like you've always been told you are? Yeah...me too. And it's not the best feeling, but I guess there could be worse feelings too. 

It's a mix between happy and sad, content and restless, peaceful and angry, and complete confusion between "my life is going great" and "what the hell am I doing with my life?" Don't get me wrong...I think this is a natural feeling and maybe mines intensified because I'm experiencing my "time of the month" (TMI, I know) but damn...sometimes I wish I could just run from this feeling and pretend all is well in Erin's world. 

But truth be told, feeling this is probably the best thing for me. Being still and facing all the problems and chaos in my life head on is what's best for me. Because it's in that time where I am able to truly reflect on God and what He wants for my life. What His plans are for me. Where He wants me to be and wants me to go. 

My life is a little crazy and I have made some choices that are questionable to who I am and what my character represents, but the beauty in that is that I am restored...always. Not am I only restored but I am okay with being a mess. Please tell me what 24 year old woman has the perfect life, does everything perfect, and never has to worry about anything. I'm okay with being who I am doing what I do, mistakes included. Because I get to learn from them. And in the end, who turns out to be a better person?

I do. 

So it's in these moments of chaos, confusion, and just mixed emotions about whatever is going on in my life that I really get to find out who I am. Questions of who I am and how I react to things are always answered in these unsure moments of my life. But even in these unsure moments, I am so happy I can truly say that I am happy. 

& really, what more can I ask for?